on Transition

Four years ago I moved from Zambia to Pennsylvania. It was a time of major transition. This season, as I'm reflecting on that transition, I thought I'd share an essay I drafted a while back about processing transition after a positive ministry experience.

You're entering or exiting an intense period when you've been investing your life in something big (maybe a short term missions trip, maybe moving far away, maybe returning from several years of living across the ocean), and now... everything is changing. You're in transition, and it's worthwhile to spend some time thinking about how you're going to process the change to a new normal, whatever that looks like.

I was recently reminded of some transition pointers I've gleaned and practiced over the past ten years. Below are several things which have helped me process transition in a healthy way and learn to thrive in new experiences. Really, life is a giant series of varying levels of transitions as we're all getting older and circumstances beyond our control are always changing, so the sooner we learn to deal with transition in a healthy manner, the more satisfied and fulfilled we will be.

1. Choose something/s to anticipate
We're taught to enjoy where we are at this moment and to live in the present, and this is good. However, it is also good to anticipate the future. When I am in transition, I choose things to anticipate. For example, there were lots of things I wasn't looking forward to about moving to Pennsylvania (it was easy to make that list!), and there were lots of things I wasn't looking forward to leaving in Zambia, however, there were also things I was looking forward to about living in the States-- like hot showers, speedy and affordable internet connections, having an unlimited phone plan, spending Christmas at home, and eating favorite foods like berries and ice cream. In times of transition, it's important not to get so caught up in the past and present that we forget the future. Anticipation can assist in protecting against depression and hopelessness during transition, especially when leaving a place or situation you love.

2. Before you return to/arrive in your home/new location, prep your answers to the question, "How was your time _________?" Be ready with responses: one sentence, elevator, five minutes, thirty minutes, etc.
You'll likely be asked the classic transition question more times that you can count: "How was ________? [fill in the blank: your summer, your trip, Africa...]." You need lots of answers. You need a one-sentence answer: "It was great!" an elevator answer (30 seconds/a few sentences), a short answer: "It was so challenging, but very rewarding. One of my favorite experiences was...", and on and on. You'll likely not ever need a multi-hour answer... though I may or may not have provided one of those before... {Bless my mom, who has let me ramble on and on and on to her for multi hours when I have been in transition.}

The more experience you have with answering transition questions, the better you will be at gauging your audience and knowing how interested they are in your reply to their answer. Were they just asking you to be polite, or do they really want to hear an amazing story of how you saw God at work during your ministry context?

Sometimes your closest friends and family really, really do care, but don't know how to deal with all of the stuff you're spouting out about your experience. Often, they want to listen, and sometimes they will "get you." But if they don't, it's okay. Don't take it personally. They're probably really happy to have you back, and may not understand you are still processing things from your time away. You've returned from a deep and meaningful life experience, and part of processing that experience is something very personal. Chances are, you'll have some close friends and family who will want to walk with you through this time of processing your transition, but it's okay if they're not ready to listen to everything you learned, or care about all of the hard stuff you faced while you were gone! Your ultimate friend and care-er is Jesus, who was with you in all the experiences you had, and who is still with you now.

3. Say good good-byes
Saying good-bye is healthy and important (and often hard!). The act of physically-- even verbally-- saying good-bye is a key in processing transition. It allows emotional release and space for the new things you must embrace. Say good-bye to what and/or whoever you need to; this will not be the same for everyone. For me, it's helpful to think through things I have really enjoyed and things I will especially miss when I leave a place or season. Then, I make a plan for saying good-bye to special people/places/things. It may be as simple as writing a list of such items and acknowledging that I'm leaving them. Or, it may actually mean that I go to a particular place and say good-bye to something tangible (a person or a thing). Don't feel stupid or silly about what you say good-bye to. No one else needs to hear you actually saying "good-bye" to your favorite little corner store, or the tree you used to pass every day on your way to work...

Identify what matters to you, and say good-bye to those things that are meaningful to you in ways that are meaningful to you. I like to think of Goodnight Moon when I think of good-byes: say good-bye to the old lady if she's special to you, say good-bye to mittens and a comb and a brush if you will miss them when you leave, say good-bye to the cow jumping over the moon if you hold a special connection with it... It's all okay.

4. Seek out healthy ways to process and people who can help you do that
As I prepared to move back to the States after two years in Zambia, I realized I needed help. This was a major life change, and I didn't know how to deal with the many tough realities I had faced in Zambia plus integrate back into my home culture... which included a new job, a new place to live, a new church, a new grocery store, etc. I asked for help.

I read books, attended a debrief and renewal retreat, and met with people who allowed me to verbally process painful and challenging experiences. The mission provided someone to listen to me and pray with me... and I used more than a few hours of her available ear-time. Blessings to those who assist us in our processing.

Another way to process is to allow yourself to remember, and (if possible) to keep in touch with friends from your time away. For me, looking at pictures is a helpful way to process. I remember the people, the places, the food, the views, the smells, the way I felt. I remember good things, and give thanks. I remember hard things, and am glad they're in the past. I remember special people, and look forward to the next time we will be together.

5. Allow yourself to grieve
It's okay to be sad, and it's healthy to acknowledge your emotions, even when they're not sunny. Saying good-byes can be really challenging, and processing change takes time. Sadness might surprise you by showing up some day when you least expect it. It's okay. You can be sad about what you've left behind, and things you miss. One of the ways I have processed grief in transition is to connect with someone who also shared that same experience or love with me. For example, I might text my former teammate one day just to say, "I've been missing Zambia this week. So many good memories..."

Bonus: Give yourself grace / Be patient with yourself
This is the best advice I received in my transition from Zambia to Pennsylvania. It's advice from a friend, a seasoned cross-cultural worker who has moved multiple times back and forth across the ocean. It's also advice that's especially meaningful for someone with my personality. I'm a critic of myself, and set high standards I require myself to attain and sustain. Transition isn't the time for unrealistic expectations. It's a time for personal grace. This means that when I'm in transition, I recognize some of my personal goals (like how often I work out) may not be met, and that's okay for a season.

The first winter I lived in Pennsylvania, I cried one dark and cold night after work when I stopped at a gas station and couldn't figure out how to fill my tank after multiple failed attempts and an unhelpful sales clerk... I felt like I'd already given myself more than enough grace for the transition at hand... and yet I still needed more! When I arrived in Pennsylvania, I didn't know where I was going to live. I didn't have a car. I didn't even know how to get to my office without directions. But, God provided a house, a car, and friends who happily showed me the best routes to drive to the office. It just took some extra personal grace to move through so many small challenges all at once. Major transition doesn't last forever, and the normal transitions of life get easier to manage with practice...